Category: Dating and Relationships
Well I've searched the whole board before posting this topic so I am fairly confident it hasn't been done. Everybody wants to have children some day, right? Wrong. I don't. I have never had a paternal instinct and I never will, but why can't people handle this? They say "Oh, you'll change your mind when you get older". No I wont, now sod off you patronising twat. Or they say "Why not, you'll make a great dad". No I won't, I love lying in bed until 9 on a Saturday, spending all my money on frivlous things and I'm not changing that for anything. The serious point I'm making is this: I (and a small number of people I know, okay we are the minority) have made a positive decision not to have kids, so why is it such a difficult thing for people to get their head around? It's not like the planet's gonna go short of the little darlings, is it? Your serious comments ..?
I think they want you to conform to the norm and any refusal to do so is seen as unnatural and weird.
And they're threatened by your very obvious selfishness, have you counted the number of I's in this post.
Actually, I think that it's a personal choice to either have kids, or not. If you don't feel that you want them, don't have them. Just think of how the kid would feel, if someone railroaded you in to having them, only to find out later, that mum or dad didn't even want them in the first place. I myself, don't think that I'd be a good mother, at this point in my life, just because I don't feel I'm the mothering type. Right now, I'm just happy to have my neices and neffew...well, at least I can give them back to their parents at the end of the day. However, that could change, and maybe, just maybe, I'll want to have a baby of my own...with the right guy of course.
Dan and i are with you Dusty. We don't want to have kids either! We are happy with it just being the two of us, our cat and dog! We have our nieces we can spoil and send them home. hehehehe. and Gob nob i dont' see how he is being selfish. you know it's him he's talking about. not we, as in, him and the terd in his pocket.
Wow, I knew I'd get called selfish, just didn't think it'd be so predictably soon. What makes me selfish then Goblin? By the way there are nine. Twelve if you count contractions.
Bless you, Dusty!
If I hear that, "Oh, you'll change your mind when you get older" line one more time, I'll scream. I would make an absolutely horrible mother, now and forever more, and I know this. I don't like kids if I'm around them too long, but if I can give them back to someone as soon as they cease being cute and adorable and funny, I'm okay with them. If I had kids of my own, they would be unhappy, I would be unhappy, it would just be a generally bad set-up. And I'm terribly irresponsible and half the time I don't even want to take care of myself and my own life, let alone someone else's. The idea that what I do and say and the way I raise them will affect their lives forever is just a little too overwhelming a thought for me.
And, I openly admit to being selfish. I accept this about myself and don't lose any sleep over it. I care for other people, but I'm not likely to put their needs before my own in most cases, and I'm told this is not a desirable trait in a mother. Ahwell. I think I'll be perfectly happy never having kids, and I certainly don't think they would make my life more meaningful or that I would get any sort of fulfillment from motherhood. I do want to be married some day, but it'll be to someone who feels the same way. People who assume that not wanting kids also means not wanting marriage irritate me.
And I'm through ranting now. I'm glad you posted this topic, though, because it's nice to see that not everyone is rushing to have children and consequently having them too young and causing all sorts of problems for themselves and those around them. And that was a generalization, of course.
Of cource it is your choice and it is good that you don't care what people say.
But sometimes i am wondering. Why people who can't fisically have children always wish they had and they go to the doctros spending money, and they hope that one day they would and people who can actually have them don't want to have one? I think this is unfair. I think the people who say that they would never have children had these phisical problem because they wouldn't make any difference to them anyway.
This is my thought on the matter.
I personaly love children and i want to have my own one day so i can't say that i can understand you but i respect your oppinion.
What, so you want people that don't want kids, that can actually have them, to have them, just so they can give them to people that can't? Um, now who's being selfish?
No i didn't say that. I was saying that life might be unfair because the people who want kids have problems and the people who don't want them can actually have them.
I was saying that i never seen anyone who can't phisically have children to say it doesn't matter. I didn't want to have children anyway. It is always the people with the problem who wish they had children and spend all their money to doctors. And the people who are healthy say that they would never have children.
It was a kind of an observation
Dusty you just answered your own question..I hope you never change your mind about having children
I know what Nykos is saying. People who can't have kids want them, and those who can have them don't. I love kids. Kids are the only thing in the world that I am patient with. Some people can't stand being around a screaming baby. So maybe it's the right descision for them to not have any. At least then the child wouldn't feel unwanted or if the parent couldn't handle the child and go crazy and beat it...then yeah good reason not to have kids. The thing I can't stand is when people who don't want kids fuck around anyway and they accidentally get pregnant and then run off and get an abortion. If you don't want the baby, give it up for adoption. But anyway. That's my two cents.
adoption is what i am gonna do i am going to have maybe one of my own and then adopt older kids who may not otherwise get adopted.
People bring it up and the only thing you can do is say yes or no. And if not you need to politely explain your reasons and then ask politely that the person who's bugging you or your partner for kids to kindly lay off. If not just walk out of the room and if people try and bring you in the conversation again from going to your hiding place, you grab your keys (if you're sighted) or your cane/guide dog, grab your signficant other and silently leave for a brief time and explain to them that it's just not going to happen.
In any argument I find just quietely walking out of the house without notice is the best possible thing because by the time I return people are silent and find something else to talk about.
Some interesting points, but can we keep it to the life-choice of not wanting children, as opposed to what might happen when pregnancy arises? By the way Goblin, you still haven't told me why I'm selfish ...
I don’t think not wanting children is selfish. In fact I think it takes a brave person to stand up and admit that they don’t want to be a parent in a society where there is almost an expectation that when we enter into a relationship we will, at some point, want to have children.
However, while I also don’t think that anyone can necessarily say that “you’ll change your mind”, I hdo think that for many it is true that the way they feel about having children does change, especially for women. I know that when I was 20, 21, 22, I didn’t have any maternal feelings what so ever. Other peoples’ babies just didn’t do it for me. But for a woman the urge to have a child is biological, and sometimes it creeps up without you even realizing it, and before you know it you want a baby. But that doesn’t mean it happens for everyone, and there are some who never have the urge to have children and that’s fine for them.
I do think however that this is something that one needs to be absolutely honest about when entering into a new relationship, before the point when a relationship could get serious. I’ve seen marriages fall apart because one party wanted children and another didn’t, but it was something that hadn’t been previously discussed, and it was only when the subject of starting a family came up that they realized they didn’t think the same.
As for casting judgements on what people should and shouldn’t do if faced with an unwanted pregnancy, really that’s no-one else’s judgement to make.
It's true that the urge to have children is biological, and for many women their minds do change as they get older. And I have experienced random freaky moments when I think, "Hey, it'd be cool to have a little girl to dress up and who would watch all the Disney movies I love" and so on. But I realize that even though I have the occasional thought like that, and even though there'll probably be other instances when I'll think about having children in a favorable light, I'm just not the mothering type and I don't expect I ever will be.
Wow Dusty Bin you are off to a great start. That was your seventh post and you are already in a fight with goblin. Took me at least twelve posts to accomplish that feat. Must admit I had a little scrap with Harp by post number 3, though.
By the way, I really like your screen name it's one of the more creative ones around.
However, be careful what you wish for, because your thoughts at twenty aren't usually your thoughts at forty and... oh well never mind. But, if you truly don't want kids then do something active about it: get a vasectamy or be celebate (right!).
I once thought I didn't want kids, but kids came along anyway, and it was possibly the most decent thing I ever did. But that's me, not you.
Apparently you feel pretty strongly about it, otherwise you wouldn't have searched the boards before posting this. That's no mean feat: hint, hint, (we need a search feature admins).
I guess all I am saying is, if you are sure, then act responsibly.
Bob
To the pedantic person who said "those who can have kids dont want them" ..rubbish! how can you generalise it's never that cut and dried.
After losing 1 child, if we lose Alasdair, it will definately finish us off!
Having kids. Um, I have no idea. Personally I'd rather not faith the posabillity that I may not be a good father. There are just too many what if's for me. Everyone changes there thoughts on life in general as they get older. Perhaps this will be so for me. But hey if kids aren't your thing, that's fine. We have enough boneheaded people that have 'em, pump 'em out and either don't want too, or can't take care of there childern.
John
To have kids, or not to have kids? Isn't that someones given right to choose if he-she wants to be a parent? If you don't think you want to do that, do something to not let that happen. If you don't want kids, and you kno that you'll never change your mind, don't leave it open to the possibility that it could happen. Go get the chop, or your tubes tied, cause there are already to many unwanted kids in this world.
not to mention that if you don't want kids, it's not the girls responsibility to insure you don't end up with one. I'm all for people to say they don't want kids. hey what ever you like. BUt I'm with liz and bob, if you don't do something to make sure you won't have them, and I don't mean waring a condom, cause that's not fool proof, Then your being inconsiderate and irresponsible to dump the responsibility of a child onto someone else, just because you don't want one. That is selfish.
Right, I think the point is being well and truly missed here, and there are a number of unfair assumptions being made too. This isn't about accidental pregnancy, unnecessary surgery or any other consequences, it's purely about society's general inability to accept that not everybody wants kids. Let's have one more go or just let the thread die. By the way, i wouldn't get into a relationship with somebody who thought they might want children because it's not something that can be compromised on.
I know some people say they absolutely don't want kids because it will tie them down, they'll have to grow up and be responsible, or something like that. But I think it's crazy myself. I mean we have to have kids. If everyone decided that they didn't want kids because they were afraid they wouldn't be a good parent, or just didn't want to grow up, then the world would die off. There would be no more people. So like having kids is needed for life to go on. I'll stop rambling now.
Yes, but in my opinion it's better for people to realize they don't want kids for X and Y reasons, and not to have them, then to have them just for the sake of populating the world. There are enough people who do want them, or who have them regardless, that those who don't wouldn't hurt anything and would, in fact, be doing more damage than good if they had them.
And it's not unusual for a topic to start out with one intent, and to end up in a completely different place. Such is the nature of varied points of view and interpretations. But I agree that it did get slightly off track with the whole accidental pregnancy bit.
I don't want kids, I just don't see me being a parent. And my family understands that. In fact my exboyfriend is a parent of two small boys. He was engaged when the pregnancy happened with one of his exgfs. And I had to make a choice: Put up with the kids or dump the boyfriend. I was prepared to give the two kids a chance until my ex got arrested. I felt uncomfortable about taking in his two kids and just walked away. How do you cope with one person wanting kids in the relationship and the other does not?
Having kids is a totally personal decision, and I commend you, Dusty Bin, for realizing early on and being brave enough to admit that you don't want them. Let everyone else who wants to have them have them; there are plenty of us around. *SMILE*
I really don’t think it’s that black and white though. I do think that wanting to be a parent or not wanting to be a parent is a personal choice, and I don’t think that anyone should be forced to have a child that they clearly don’t want, but I think that if you make that choice then you should do something about it. By having a vasectomy you are making the statement that you don’t want to have any children. By refusing to be proactive and to have a vasectomy, you are, to some, making the statement that actually, you’re not quite ready to say to the world that you’re never going to have a child, ever.
No contraception is 100% reliable, so if you’re having sex you are running the risk that you will father a child. If you don’t want to father a child, do something about it, surely if you’re that set on not having children the decision to take that step should be easy. And if the decision isn’t easy, then maybe you should question whether you’re really that certain that you won’t want children in the future.
As for the view of society, I think that in general, society will have an opinion whatever you decide. To an extent, we do have a responsibility to produce the generations of the future. As we grow older the younger generations need to step in and do the jobs that we did, make society run. As we grow older, we will, to an extent, rely on our children to look after us, to ensure that we receive adequate care if we need it, to look out for us in the time of our lives when we go back to being vulnerable, just to be there. I’m not saying that we should have children to look after us in old age, but old age is a very lonely existence if we have no-one.
But whatever we decide, there will always be someone who has an opinion. If you have 1 child people say “oh you can’t have an only child, xxx should have a sibling”, if you have more than 2 people say “why ever do you want so many”. Either way someone will disapprove of the decisions we make, so ultimately, we should make the decisions that are right for us.
To the poster who had misgivings about being responsible for someone else's children, IMO that is totally different. I am a parent and I love my child more than life itself, but I would think twice about taking on someone else's children, because you never feel the same about someone else's children as you do about your own, by definition, they are someone else's children.
I heard about that so called responsibility to produce the next generation bla bla bla.
I never got the whole pass on your name stuff...it's all in foolish pride.
The world won't crumble if I don't have kids.
Now, the problem I see is how to tell your parents they won't be grandparents.
Perhaps that is selfish?
Wo, so much to respond to. It is not selfish to not have children, even if your parents want to be grandparents. It is your decision, not their's. If they want grandchildren then they can adopt or can take in foster children to care for. Oh, and don't jump all over Nikos. I understood what he meant. He only meant that it is ironic and sad that often those who most want children can't have them and those who don't want them or aren't ready for them end up with kids. Remember that English isn't his first language and try to be understanding. He makes a lot of insiteful and valid points in his posts, you just have to pay attention. The only caussion I would give to those who say that they never want kids is, if you're only in your twenties, wait and see. You may change your mind, and an operation can't be undone in most cases or can only be undone with very very limited success. Use good protection, birth control pills for women and condoms for men until you are a little older and absolutely sure of your decision never to have kids. You should certainly be responsible and careful, but don't rush into a decision that is next to impossible to reverse. I don't understand those who don't want children ever, but I can respect that. I don't get it, but I'm certainly not going to belittle them for that choice.
Well I won't be rushing into any sort of operation (snip snip)
I agree with Sugar baby, in that if you'v thought it through, and you are 100 percent sure that you won't want kids now, or in the future, you should be responsible and have the operation!
Hello folks. This is a very interesting topic. I will just say this. I have a good friend who I told she would make a very good mother. She laughed at me and told me she didn’t want kids. The ironic part of it is when a mother friend of mine met her he said one of the first things I felt from her is she would make a good mother. I respect her decision to not want kids. But when I talk to her or am around her I can’t help but think of her playing with a little kid or rocking a baby to sleep and singing him or her songs while putting the baby to sleep.
But rocking a child to sleep is the "easy" part. Taking care of babies, youngsters even teenagers is very challenging and rewarding, but something that you have to be totally committed to and realistic about before you go into it. I've helped raise kids, sat for them, taken them on holiday and mentored numerous children including family and in a professional capacity. These kids have ranged from those in "stable" families to those with emotional issues, abandoned or whose natural parents couldn't look after them. I have no doubt that I would make a very good go at being a father (surely that's all any parent can do?) if I had ever been that way inclined. I also know however that being a parent would alter my lifestyle in a way that I'm not willing to accept. And I maintain that there are other ways to avoid parenthood than unnecessary surgery ...
I don't think I'd be a good! mother, cause I loose paishents with my neices and Neffew. However, given the right time, and right partner...maybe I might reconsider. Like I keep saying, it's a personal choice though.
Well, to poster number thirty-one. Don't be urging someone in their very early twenties to get an opperation. We change our minds through out our lives, and it is foolish to rush into something when you are that yung. And, twenty is yung. I'm twenty and I still believe that twenty is very yung. Try to put it all into perspective before you give such important and decisive advice.
I agree with that. I'm 28 and I still am not sure if I want to have kids or not. Not that I don't want the responsibility, I just don't feel I'd be a good enough mother to kids. I have enough problems looking after a dog, and myself. Before anyone jumps all over me and says that that's "selfish" or that I should "be ready to have kids, or at least kno if I want kids", it's not selfish, or me not wanting to ever have them. It's just how I! feel. Maybe I'll decide to never have kids, but that's something I'll have to live with.
That's good, that you can look inside your self, and know your self well enough to make a decision like that. If waiting until you are ready, if you are ever ready is what you plan to do then you are a step ahead of most, because unplanned pregnancies are all too common. You go girl.
This is an interesting topic, I don't want kids. I'm 21, and although I'm still young, I can never see myself as a mother. I don't see myself as selfish for not having kids, I'm doing the kids a favour by not having them. I'd only probably make a bad parent. One of the reasons why I don't want kids is because I'm not really used to having kids around, because I'm the youngest. Also, they'd tie me down, I want to travel and see a bit of the world. Having kids just doesn't fit in to that way of life, I'd possibly work somewhere for a bit, then move somewhere else after a couple of years or so, not a good way to bring up kids. There are so many parents who can't actually bring up their kids properly, they are the selfish ones, they may as well not bother if they can't even look after them.
i never really wanted kids after finding about my RP but was tricked by a girl that said she could not have kids, and 9 months later i had a daughter, well i took care of it happening again and found out for a male to have a vasectomy they need to have at least 1 kid, not sure about the females though, and you can have a vasectomy that can be undone. o and for those that want to know my daughter will be 18 in june, we don't really have a close relationship but guaranteed when she needs money or something i'll here from her, it's been hard for me to keep intouch after i moved to another state because they are all ways changing ther number and don't tell me untill they need something, so any ways, no more kids for me guaranteed. o and if any body has any questions about getting a vasectomy please feel free to ask.
I want no children but don't mind them.
I don't want any children of my own, ever! but if I end up with a guy that has them, then I will love them no doubt about it. It's not that I don't like kids, cause I have 5 neices and a neffew, and a stack of little cousins that I love and adore! I just don't want to carry one inside me, given all my medical problems, and that my blindness is past through my family, or other eye conditions are as well. I love kids, don't get me wrong, just not really looking to have any at all myself.
Oh and before the questian is asked, yes the above post is my decition on having kids. I was reading my other posts to this board, and just thought I'd set the record straight.
I can't imagine my life without children of my own and i've always felt that way since I was very young. But i can understand why some people would not want the commitment and, what they might see as hassel, to bring up littlens. My brother for example, has never wanted children and he's in a long term relationship. I really can't ever see them having children of their own. It just doesn't suit certain couples lifestyles.
I've always been a very homely, family orientated kind of guy so the prospect of no children...is unimaginable
it's not that I don't want the commitment, it's just a personal choice!
I am another one who does not under any circumstances want any children. And gosh, I don't know how many freaking people have told me that same bit about oh you'll change your mind when you reach a certain age, bla bla bla, but seriously, I have thought this way for a few years now. I like children, don't get me wrong, but I am not the type of person that would like staying home and taking care of children all the time, and getting tied down and stuff like that. Also, just on a side note, you know one thing that makes me mad is this, and guys, correct me if I'm wrong, but for women at least you can't get your tubes tied or what have you until either you've had a kid, or you reached the age of 35, yet, guys can just have a bisectemy whenever? I dunno, I guess I just think that unfair, I have wanted to get my tubes tied for like 3 years now, but can't, since I've never had a child. I dunno.. Just food for thought.
No, I thought you had to be at least 26 or 28 or something like that before you could get your tubes tied? Don't remember who told me that or where I heard it, but maybe it was wrong. LOL. And Bryan, that's interesting information on the vasectomy. I didn't know you had to have at least one child before you could get snipped. Does it matter how old you are when you get snipped? I mean, there might be younger guys who have one child who might want to go through with the operation ... are they allowed to? This is all very fascinating.
oh, I didn't direct the commitment comment in any way at you Liz, it was a general observation that it can be a factor in some people's decision making when it comes to having children. 'tis all.
I kno that, and your right. All I ment was, that not wanting the commitment is in no way clouding my decition making when it comes to not ever wanting to have kids of my own, and neither is selfishness. If that was the case, I would have said that I hate kids, wich is so far from it! cause I love them. I certainly wouldn't ever not date a guy just cause he has a kid!
Cheis + Children = Ain't gonna happen!
Kids get on my nerves real quick so I hope whoever I end up with doesn't want any children either. If that's the case then my search continues on.
Hey, always good to see the revival of one of your own posts! *smile*
I believe here (in the UK) you don't have to have had children in order to get a vasectomy on the National Health Service, although medics will try to strongly dissuade you from doing so. I'm certain that privately it would be easier to have done.
The fact that men and women need to have had children before they can be sterilised is a clear indication of the bias towards us having to procreate or be "wrong". I know that it is near-impossible to reverse such surgery but I also think that the medical profession and society as a whole need to get their head around the fact that there are a significant number of people who simply don't want to have kids. Especially as this number is (generally) not significant enough to affect the overall population.
To add to my previous posts in this thread, the fact that a potential partner has children of her own *would* affect my decision to stay with them. If this means my seach takes longer then so be it. This is one thing where there is no room for compromise.
Hi, folks! DustyBin, I'm glad you posted this. I'm just sorry I didn't see it before now. I elected not to have kids about five years ago. well, let's rephrase that. I thought I didn't want kids, and I knew dang well I didn't want biological ones. I was blinded by retino blastoma, cancer tumors in both eyes. After genetic testing of my parents and some other family, the doctors don't know where it came from. they just call it a spontaneous mutation. Point is, that now I'm a carrier, and have been told all my life I've got a 50/50 percent chance of passing the cancer on to my child. I don't mind the idea of raising a blind child, but I do mind the idea of cancer. That's scary stuff. So I had my tubes tied, figuring that if I ever did change my mind and want kids, I could adopt.
But that was five years ago, and I stil haven't changed my mind. I'm hot-tempered, and often very low on patience. That's a bad combination with a child involved. I'm also bipolar, and though it's not as bad as it used to be, I still don't trust myself not to mood-swing rapidly. And, last but certainly not least, I simply don't want to be a mother. I like my liberty and freedom too much. I don't care if people call me selfish. To me, the ultimate act of selfishness would be to bring a child into this world, just because of the pressure, and then be a bad parent to it.
SisterDawn, I have the same eye condition as you, and had both eyes removed when I was a baby, cause of canswer. That's one of the reasons why I don't want kids of my own. The others, I just won't even talk about, cause they're to personal.
Dusty, I love you! Thanks for starting this thread. I've enjoyed reading everyone's thoughts, with the exception of the idea that someone finding
herself pregnant unexpectedly *should* have the child. That rather made my blood boil, and I suppose you all were right to sidestep that discussion!
Sugarbaby, your post (15) is brilliant! Thank you for such sensible, well-expressed thoughts.
I'm glad this topic was brought up. A childfree person is not by default, selfish, nor is a parent selfless, simply because they put in a lot of time caring for a child who they have caused to exist. there's nothing remarkably admirable in creating a situation, then dealing with it, in my opinion.
As for getting snipped, it can be done, even if you don't have children, and even if you are young. I think it's reprehensible for any doctor to allow his own beliefs to get in the way! But If one doctor won't do it, another will. Keep looking until you find one who will get it done. Planned Parenthood is a pretty good place to ask about referrals. (I know a woman who got snipped at age 20, and hadn't had a child, so it is possible!)
And, if I were a man, I'd definitely get the snip. Never, never trust a woman to be diligent about birth control. If you're the one who doesn't want kids, it's up to you to look out for your own interests. Men, sadly, have fewer options about birth control than women. Imagining someone else having the power to decide for me whether I'm going to have a child or not is horrifying!
For myself, I rather find the whole idea of creating another person to be unthinkable. I could cope if I absolutely had to with being a parent, but I wouldn't be very contented, I suspect, and I think I'd do a lousy job, overall. That just doesn't fit the way I see myself.
I like well-mannered kids, but I dislike babies; the sound of that repetitive screeching cry just makes me angry, if I'm honest. I don't think I could bear someone that dependent on me, and suffering through pregnancy would be awful! I'll just enjoy my nieces and nephews, when I have them... which is a near certainty; my sister wants about 4 kids. I used to think I did, too, until I had to seriously consider that in my mid twenties.
I suppose I’m selfish then, because I don’t want children, and have known for some time that I never will!!!!!
Do not misunderstand, I’m great with kids, and love them to death, but I’ve very personal reasons for not wanting any of my own.